It’s a tale as old as time (or maybe 2004). We’ve all been there and we’ve all gone through the same emotions. Oh you haven’t? Well aren’t you lucky. But the rest of us are spiritually linked through this devastating time in our lives where we all thought and felt the same emotions that test our character. In those mere minutes we were all linked together through horror, loss, denial, and melancholy. What’s say we revisit those times, eh?!
The “Aw crahp!” fumble:
It’s the initial moment when you’re likely flailing your hands trying to keep it above waistline and almost certainly yelling “aaahh”. So much rides on these milliseconds: your bank account taking a big hit, not being able to post pictures of your lunch on Instagram; basically your overall being is at stake here.
The slow motion drop:
Once it’s out of your hands, it’s out of your hands. You’re not the Flash. It’s like the car crash in front of you that you know could be stopped or prevented, but almost nobody ever reacts that dang fast. Sure, your foot could’ve stopped it from landing on the ground, but it didn’t. Because you’re not the Flash.
Hearing the landing:
Let’s be honest, no matter what the condition is, the sound is always what will haunt our souls for those few seconds. I’ve dropped my phone face down on concrete and that sound will echo in my soul for days on end. If you’re around people, it’s like clockwork that they’ll exclaim “OOOOHHHH” when they hear it. They know everything you’re about to go through and could not be happier to not be you. If you’re a degenerate like myself, you’ve already yelled every profanity thought possible. Is this the kind of language you wanna use when Jesus comes back?
The dog-gone awful reveal:
Each time you see no crack or scratches, you should give a big thumbs up to your maker. For some, seeing even the slightest chip will send us into a whirlwind of anger. How dare the ground ruin what’s basically a part of your humanity?
Screen cracked? For those few seconds you are entitled to whatever reaction you may have. Conduct all your business on your phone? Let it out. I don’t condone violence, but whoever thought up concrete ground is cruising for a bruising.
Who is to blame?
If someone was instrumental in the incident, you’re already planning out a payment plan for him or her. They dang well better cover this. You had no part in this; that phone is basically your child. You would never do anything to hurt your child!
This could also be when you’re reaping the benefits of investing in a good case. Sure, that Urban Outfitters case with a mustache painted on the back was a great purchase, but today it was instrumental in your ruin. Today you realize you should’ve coughed up the extra bucks to get that OtterBox. Oh you already had an OtterBox? You’re ready to take this matter to court or you will burn those mothers down. Nothing is worse than the protective case letting you down. You trusted them. You believed in them. You carried around a brick in your pants because you thought you could confide in them. They will feel your wrath in a very strongly worded email.
Where do I go from here?
You assessed the damage, you've seen what still works, you triple checked the cameras and you wiped the tears off the screen. Now is when you try your best to remember what your insurance covers (because you sure as hell aren’t about to look it up on a cracked screen). You don’t know whether to fix the damages or to live on in peril knowing you’ll have to explain this story each time you take your phone out. I had a roommate who kept his cracked phone for almost a year before deciding to do anything about it. To this day, I don’t think my patience will ever be what his was for any of those 365 days.
Sure, if you’re up for an upgrade, this is a blessing in disguise. But if you’re paying this out of pocket, you’re thinking up a good reason to tell your landlord rent will be a little late this month.
This is also when you’re likely loathing the experience of even seeing if it’s possible to replace at the store. You know there’s about a 70% chance you won’t hear any good news and walk out in shame. Shame.
What about asking a friend to borrow one of their old ones? You could manage using an iPhone 3G, right? Right? No. It’s not the same. You’ll be damned if you’re left out of the loop when those updates come around.
You’ve estimated the costs.
You’ve asked old high school friends on Facebook.
You’ve gone to Best Buy AND resorted to walking into a Radio Shack... in 2015.
You accept what you’ll have to pay to get back to everyday life. If you’re an optimist, maybe this is a chance to see how much memory you actually need. You don’t need all those Bob’s Burgers episodes on your phone. You don’t really need every Eminem album (Seriously. You don’t need the Relapse album. Even Em says it was meh.). Switching from 32 to 16 gigs is going to be a blessing in disguise. You can do this!
You can’t because this is America, and if you want those gigs you can have those gigs!
(Plug coming up!)
This is why Phone Bum can be the best thing since multi-grain whole wheat sliced bread!
Wait out for that upgrade.
Scratch some money together for the next month.
But do it with the same quality phone you were using before.
This is 2015, where having up-to-date technology is imperative. Don’t add more stress onto yourself. Heck, don’t put down more money on a phone that will be obsolete in 3 months. Stay confident that your temporary phone will be just as good as your recently departed. Stay confident that you will get through this.
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
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That's right fanboys. Its almost that time of year again.
We are expecting an "S" version this year, the update that everyone currently on an iPhone 5S has been waiting for is almost here.